Mommy CulturePosted by admin on June 1st, 2009
At the end of the Jason Mraz song “Details in the Fabric,” there is a quote that perfectly encompasses my place in the mommy world: “You’re an island of reality in an ocean of diarrhea.”
Funny as they sound, these words describe much of my life right now, but especially the part that involves trying to melt into the mold of a mom. In the age of competition, there is intense meaning behind every milestone: the first words, the type and manner of feeding, the height and weight percentiles. It seems that the simple act of sharing parts of a child’s exciting personality and development with friends and family becomes fodder for a tense conversation. We all think that our children are the cutest, the smartest, the funniest, and we wouldn’t be attentive parents if we didn’t develop such a healthy respect for them and their stages of growth. The problem lies in our insecurities, and rears its ugly head too often in an age of weekly playdates, parenting magazines that glorify paranoia, and preschools that require applications.
Children are never too young to feel that pressure, to understand that expectations exist and that we feel they deserve our deference. When we commiserate with other parents about the challenges of raising perfect little beings, we set in motion a cycle of failure for ourselves and our children. Every kid has natural strengths, interests, and abilities, but we send him/her the message that living a life built around those unique traits is not allowed in this culture…therefore, it is not.
Making choices that are beyond the boundaries of those who subscribe to a mainstream-parent frame of mind is difficult, but doing so relieves us of participation in a battle that will never be won. In many cases, doing something a little differently than the way in which we’ve been advised is a natural byproduct of parenting radically individual children, but admitting that we are straying from the norm is the hard part. The most obvious example in my experience is choosing to co-sleep, or maintain a family bed instead of using a crib. Up until the moment that my son was born, I said I would never allow a baby to sleep with us, but lo and behold, it was never a conscious decision. I followed my instincts and let him sleep in the crook of my arm, where he once fit perfectly, and my favorite part of the day is still the first moments of morning, when he wakes us up by tapping our faces or flopping onto our bellies. Breastfeeding is easy, sleeping through the night is easy, and it has been for millions of people throughout history for whom baby monitors and five-bedroom houses were unfathomable. Sometimes, I find myself defending this and other choices when friends and family warn me that he will never move to his own bed, and then I realize that I’m engaging in the very thing that I so fervently despise.
Every one of us, moms and dads alike, is an island of reality in an ocean of cultural diarrhea; there will always be someone lurking in the shadows of parental doubt, pinpointing our every fault. Often, those someones are members of a support group without which we cannot function. For the sake of our children, we should all try to care a little less about mommy, daddy, and grandparent standards, and more about living in a way that makes sense for us.
June 2nd, 2009 at 8:35 pm
Well said. I think this is a great synopsis of how it can feel as a new mom. It can be so tough to stand your own grounds when everyone has an opinion and wants to share it with you. Remember though, opinions are just that, opinions. Still doing what feels best for you is good, but also heeding advice from those with experience is also useful. Just like anything, you learn from as you go.