Toddlers and…Discipline?Posted by admin on June 25th, 2009
So, I thought that I would be able to post every day, maybe every other day, when I started this blog. When I look at my planner, I see plenty of blank spaces where free time should lie. Why are my days flying by?
Because of this ball of energy and aggression that I call my son.
Nothing is easy these days, or even tolerable. With a boy who’s almost 18 months, but the size of a 3-year-old, we are literally fighting for our sanity. We are not a super structured family, and we like it that way. My husband and I are night owls (it used to be the only few hours of quiet time we got), and we like to sleep in and wake up slowly with our coffee and MSNBC. Any time we have tried to establish a routine, even if it’s not set by the clock (fake time), our son rebels and becomes even more of a hungry, tired, attention-seeking mess than if we have no plans.
Any parent will tell you that every time you think you have your kid figured out, he changes. I think that’s what we’ve been going through for the past 8 months. I remember thinking, when he was about 10 or 11 months old, that this phase just needed to be over. Well, it’s still going.
It’s the phase of amazing physical and cognitive development, a phase in which parents are left in the dust by the astounding pace at which their little one is growing and becoming his own person. In everyday terms, this means that you will not only be chasing an unstable toddler when he steals your wallet and kissing the gigantic knots that form on his forehead, but you will no longer be able to sit in front of the computer with him in your lap or read a book without having him slap his own book on top of it.
Much of this is normal, except for the fact that our baby is gargantuan and we cannot hold onto him when the meltdowns occur. Our dilemma, though, is a convoluted one because of our unique work situations.
Since my husband and I both work from home, we each need peace and quiet to make phone calls, send e-mails that have not been ruined by toddler-typing, and meet in virtual conferences. Herein lies the problem: our office is actually a pantry, with two computers and two office chairs squeezed into it. There is no door. Thus, when I am tutoring online and my hubby’s in the other room with the baby, my clients can hear every squawk that he makes. He has tried taking him outside or to the park during those hours, but he consistently falls asleep or gets incredibly cranky. When my husband finally gets around to doing his own work, it’s dinner time, bath time, bed time, and we’re both exhausted and frustrated at never having any ME (or US) time.
We are conflicted at this moment, because we feel lucky to be spending every moment of every day with him. There is a lot of quality play and bonding, but there comes a point when any adult needs to be able to make lunch without having to pull her child out of the refrigerator. We use occasional babysitters when we’re both occupied, but can’t afford one every day. It is impossible to fully child-proof an old apartment, and it wouldn’t matter much with our daredevil of a son. So, when outdoor adventures, new toys, and an entire day of undivided attention isn’t enough, we encounter the true problem: saying NO.
Consistency is important, we know. There are certain conditions my husband and I agree upon (i.e. our son should not be allowed to throw markers into the air conditioner). The hard part is deciding together on a strategy of discipline that allows us to preserve our sanity and gets across a stern, but fair, message to a growing person who may not fully comprehend our reasoning.
I don’t believe in smacking, since anyone who has ever done it on a consistent basis can see that it doesn’t get to the root of the problem. It masks, and often exacerbates it. Yet, there are certainly moments when I don’t know what else to do, and my frustration gets the best of me. My husband always says NO first, and then when he sees outright defiance, he pops our son on the hand. Sometimes, it annoys me, and other times, I am glad that he’s doing it so that I don’t have to. We have had plenty of discussions about how best to discipline him, yet we come to no conclusions and end up winging it.
Truly, that’s what most parents do: wing it. All parents are first-time parents at some point, and when you’re in the middle of those long days, all advice or research you’ve ever heard goes out the window. You end up just surviving. Perhaps we are naive, but we continue to wonder if we are doing something “wrong,” or if we just have an unusually boisterous child.
My current interpretation is that he trusts us enough to be vulnerable around us, and that’s a good thing. With others (friends, family, sitters), he is an angel. The early onset of the Terrible Twos is an important stage for building independence, but where do we set limits? I have always believed in this statement by Kahlil Gibran:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you
The question, to me, seems much larger than whether or not to spank the child for minor indiscretions. How much right do we have, as caretakers, guardians of a separate soul, to interfere with his personal development? And when is that line crossed — when does it go from just teaching your child to get along in the world to ignoring who he is?
June 25th, 2009 at 6:07 pm
Hi Chelsea! I have to add your blog to my blogroll so I can remember to visit you more frequently! I think I went like a week between visits – way too long.
Anyway, I think you’re doing what you feel is right, which is always the most important thing. Sometimes it is hard to toe (tow?) that line and you end up asking yourself, “Is that right? Does he or she understand what I’m trying to say? Are they old enough to ‘get it’?”
It’s a constant guessing game at this age and I hope it really gets easier as they get older!