Having Children: Is It Really a Choice?Posted by admin on July 7th, 2009
In my exploration of the blogosphere this afternoon, I came across an interesting site: The Childless by Choice Project. By “interesting,” I mean unbelievable. While I find the research presented on this site to be worthwhile — it explores the motives behind remaining childless — it is not convincing in its numbers or survey methods. Nearly every person mentioned on this site and the accompanying blog is 30 or over and, in general, selfish.
My husband and I have pondered this issue together numerous times. Thankfully, we agree that not wanting to have children is virtually ignoring the duties of membership in the human race. We want to have a lot of kids because it feels right, regardless of whether they are convenient or affordable additions to our lives.
I have heard the argument before that it’s actually parents who are selfish; they want to produce beings who will worship them and love them unconditionally. My response to that is: do you worship YOUR parents? A child’s love is most definitely conditional. Maybe we don’t realize until we become adults that our parents are not infallible, but surely we don’t always love them without limits. If they provide for us as we think they should, we love them. If they don’t, especially because they have abandoned us or committed any other heinous emotional or physical crimes, we don’t love them as much or at all.
Another point of contention for me is the suggestion that people should arbitrarily limit the amount of kids they have or choose not to have any because an excessive birth rate kills the planet even more quickly. Trying to corroborate your belief with a haughty stance on environmental protection is just a dumb excuse. Maybe if we all found ways to use fewer of the earth’s resources, we wouldn’t have to worry about the strain that overpopulation places on rainforests and polar bears.
I deem the view that parenthood is a choice, and a potentially ruinous one, to be a deleterious symptom of our individualistic culture. When your life is all about going out to fancy dinners, shopping, leaving on spontaneous weekend getaways, and hanging out with your cat, of course parenting will throw more than a few kinks into it.
Get over it. Either have kids when you’re young enough to handle it without whining about the life that you could have had, or go along your childless path without defending it so fervently.
The childless and vocal engender another battle in the procreation war by trying to drag their (supposedly miserable) parent friends out on the town, leading them to believe that it is acceptable, even normal, to continue engaging in a lifestyle which they left behind the moment the stick turned blue. This mentality leaks into the world of parents with young children, and they begin wishing the years away before their progeny enter kindergarten. Instead of relishing the days, they can’t wait to get rid of the carseats and bottles. Kids and teenagers can feel it when their parents just want them out of the house, when they push them too roughly into independence and, ironically, create such dependence that they end up with college graduates under their roof later. It is disgusting that the prevalent sense that children just get in the way, or that they are projects to be molded and then bragged about, affects both parents and non-parents alike.
The future of humanity requires that we reproduce, and to me, that’s the primary reason we should want to. There are plenty of emotional benefits, and downsides, to being a parent, but none of them negates biological instinct. Most of those arguments for or against becoming a parent are actually products of our time, and we should not be so short-sighted as to consider them law.
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July 8th, 2009 at 10:19 am
As of now, I am 23 years old and unsure of whether or not I want children. My big reason, and this sounds terrible, is simply that I do not like children. I do not like being around them, and I cannot seem to connect with them. If anything, they make me extremely nervous. I am just, simply put, not into kids. Perhaps that will change with age, but from where I stand I don’t think so. I see myself more in the role of wacky aunt than loving mother. I can barely take care of my dog.
July 8th, 2009 at 10:31 am
Interesting topic. While I agree that childless individuals tend to shove it in your face and come up with ridiculous reasons as to why people shouldn’t procreate, I don’t think that “not wanting to have children is virtually ignoring the duties of membership in the human race.” I commend people who choose not to have kids because they know very well that they cannot care for them properly, for whatever reason. Nothing, in my opinion, is worse than someone who has children because they feel pressured to do so and then are unable – or unwilling – to provide their children with the necessary love and attention.
July 8th, 2009 at 11:18 am
Elizabeth,
Thanks for your thoughtful contribution. It is certainly your right to make that choice, and to change your mind in the event that your feelings shift. I just find it interesting that the choice exists because of the way we have set up the career v. parenting dichotomy in our society. You are level-headed about it. Too many people are passionately against anyone having children (not just themselves), and that is something I can’t understand.
July 8th, 2009 at 11:30 am
Rima,
I agree that people shouldn’t be pressured into having children, even if they don’t consider the biological context of that decision.
July 15th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
I would respectfully suggest that you put a little more thought into all of this, because you stopped a bit short of constructing an actual argument supporting your postition. Your argument is basically, “I think people should have children because people should have children.” For thoughtful, rational people that’s really not enough. It’s like saying, “I don’t support gay marriage because I think marriage is between a man and woman,” or, “I think recycling is important because my city has a mandatory recycling policy.”
Here’s a question: Why do you care whether other people have children? What difference could it possibly make to you? On the other hand, if people who are not suited to being parents have children, that can have all sorts of ramifications for you. You have to listen to their unhappy, poorly disciplined children screaming in public; you have to pay for a social services system that can “rescue” children from abuse and neglect; your children have to deal with unhappy, emotionally unstable children in school and other settings. Obviously, not every unwanted child results in these situations, but I have worked in child care and education and seen the misery that exists for parents and children (and those they come in contact with) when parents resent their children. Why would you wish that on anyone? Because you’ve decided that you have to do it, so, to be fair, everyone else should, too?
Also, it’s intellectually dishonest to claim that childless people always “fervently defend” their choice or shove it in your face. Certainly, some feel defensive (perhaps because of unsolicited opinions from people like you), and those are the ones you hear. But you don’t hear the people that aren’t making noise, even if they are the majority. Most childless people that I know (and yes, I have kids *and* friends without kids) consider it a personal decision and believe that their reasons are nobody’s business but their own. They don’t feel the need to elaborate on the often incredibly complex set of emotional, financial, and family-related factors that motivate them because they don’t think you want to hear it. . . and because it’s really none of your business.
July 16th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
Shanti,
First of all, this is a blog post, not a thesis. I think the part that you and quite a few other people have missed in this post is that the very fact that we feel we have a choice is a social construct of our culture. This was not meant as an attack on the childless, or to say that people don’t have the right to not have kids.
I find your judgment of those “not suited to being parents” to be rather short-sighted. The results of which you speak, including child abuse, are also a greater cultural problem and not necessarily the product of individuals’ lack of responsibility or ability. What does “poorly disciplined” even mean? Is there one right way to discipline a child? If a child throws a tantrum in the grocery store and it annoys you, does that mean he or she has unfit parents? Perhaps that is, in your words, “really none of your business.” You seem to be imposing your beliefs on the world in much the same way that you claim I am.
It seems that we are in different camps on many issues, and I think you missed my point.
July 16th, 2009 at 6:00 pm
The fact that I don’t agree with your point doesn’t mean I missed it. I got it. It’s just that I think your blog is a social construct, so it’s not really relevant. Does that make sense? No, it doesn’t. And neither does your point.
Also: This wasn’t meant to be an attack on the childless? Really? Your frequent implication was that the childless are selfish hedonists with no concern for the future or the human race. If that’s not an attack, it’s at least a pretty severe condemnation.
You claim that the idea that parenthood is a choice is a social construct, as is child abuse. Slavery, civil rights for women and minorities, organized crime and yuppies are all social constructs, too. So what? Is that an argument for or against any of these things? Nope.
July 19th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
I was not arguing for having children simply because the choice not to have them is a social construct. I find it interesting that SOME people (see the site to which I linked and my reference to the “childless and vocal”), in defending their childless state, decide to thoroughly ignore that.
I suppose if my blog is irrelevant, though, then this whole back-and-forth doesn’t exist.
Thanks for your passionate responses. I hope you continue to read my blog.
July 29th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
I think at this stage in human society, having children is a choice. It reminds me of foods that are high in fat. At one point in our species’ history, it was crucial for us to consume as much fatty food as possible, because it was a rare source of storable energy. Nowadays, we do not technically need to seek high fat foods, because very few of us in the modern world are in danger of ever starving. Of course, some people continue to do so, because it’s pleasurable (I know I do!)
I think it’s very similar with children. At this point, we are not really in danger of dying out as a species (unless we render the planet uninhabitable, or nuke ourselves to death, but you get my point). So people can choose whether or not to have children.
Of course, either of these conditions could change at any time: our first-world society is more fragile than we’d like to believe. We might someday find ourselves in a world where food is scarce and people die younger. But right now, we have the luxury to choose and customize our diets and lifestyles. I think both factions have some very persuasive arguments. I am still pretty young, and I can see myself going either way.
BTW, I’m curious as to how your opinion that having children is necessary extends to homosexual couples: would the obligation be to go the (considerably expensive and difficult) artificial route? Or should they shack up with a member of the opposite sex to fulfill their duty? (I’m just teasing; I enjoyed this thoughtful post.)
July 30th, 2009 at 10:47 pm
I like your analogy to fatty foods, although I think procreation is a far different animal than diet.
It’s interesting that you bring up homosexuality. I fully support homosexual relationships, marriages, and parenting. It is a sad fact that there are so many unwanted or uncared-for children in need of parents, no matter there sexual preferences. In terms of biological reproduction, the growing numbers of homosexuals (at least of people who now feel comfortable coming out and adopting this lifestyle alone) give more credence to the fact that having children still is a necessity. If more people, homo- or heterosexual, are deciding to remain childless, there could come a point (arguably far in the future) when it will become a matter of survival.
I think big-picture, and I’m glad you saw that in this post. Thanks for your thoughtful responses.