Toddlers And Their EarsPosted by admin on February 17th, 2010
First of all, I must apologize for having been MIA for a month. I’ve been paralyzed by the long wait for grad school decisions. I have yet to hear anything, so I’ve decided that instead of obsessively checking discussion forums and application status pages, I’ll use some of my time to write about my latest parenting conundrum.
My little boy is now 25 1/2 months old, and has recently made a cognitive leap that has me scratching my head and wondering what other parents do. He listens to nearly every word I say, even when I’m not talking to him, and responds by saying or doing something related to what I was talking about. This may seem like a “duh” — that a child of two years would be fully capable of understanding the gist of adult conversations — but it’s the level of necessary adjustment in my topics and tone that has me confused.
When a baby or young child is in the room, s/he tends to be the center of attention and the object of praise. As parents, we get used to talking about the little one’s latest discoveries, frustrations, and milestones without much consideration for what the child is absorbing. Now that my son has settled into toddlerhood, he is developing empathy, curiosity, and the capacity to be embarrassed. If I am talking to a family member about something cute he did, he repeats it so they can see for themselves. If I seem upset during a phone conversation, he responds with a furrowed brow and a hug.
These reactions are exciting because they represent greater levels of personality formation, and make me even more intrigued to find out who he becomes as an older child, teenager, and adult. Yet, I waver between knowing that it is necessary for him to see or hear the truth of a situation (like an argument between me and my mom) in order to function socially, and wanting to protect him from all things negative.
Like most other aspects of parenting, this remains a gray area. I can’t lay down rules and always limit my own behavior in front of my child, but I can try to judge which conversations and interactions might be overwhelming for him. I can talk about my worries and fears in an adult way when he’s not around so that he doesn’t feel my stress so much. I can encourage his empathetic responses and explain things that might upset him. It seems to be a decision I have to make on a case-by-case basis. Right now, that’s the best answer I’ve got to the question of when to restrict my true feelings or vocalizations.
Does this get harder as kids get older? What should I be expecting in the next few years?
Where do you think we should draw the line in terms of talking about private things and about our children in front of them? Are these things damaging or essential?
February 26th, 2010 at 2:47 pm
I totally know where you’re coming from. At this stage we become much more self conscious about our actions and how they are absorbing them. they have always been observing and taking in, but now we can see them react.
My girl is 30 months and when she knows I’m talking about her she gets silly.
I will still have basically the same conversations around her, but limit the tone. Arguments are best kept away from them, IMHO, but I usually I can’t avoid it. this is where having a good conversation comes in. It’s a good learning process for them to know it’s OK to get angry or upset, but you can just talk it out.
But, who knows how this changes the older they get!
March 3rd, 2010 at 5:56 pm
Tricky. I wonder the very same thing. Particularly tough for me is disagreements with my husband. I/we try to have only disagreements in front of her, but not fights (which is so hard). I know that she understands what we are feeling even if she doesn’t quite get the vocabulary.
I think that unless a situation is very upsetting, it is okay to let them see us work things out with other people. That can be a way for them to learn how to make amends, how to compromise, how to say “I’m sorry.”
However, age is important. There are certain things that I wouldn’t want my daughter to know we are worried about when she is little (ex. money). That isn’t her burden to bear, but who’s going to do the dishes? That’s one she can handle, even at two, I think.
At least you’re thinking about it. This tells me your baby is lucky. You are being self-reflective and aware–and that’s awesome!